Saturday, 20 September 2014

Shit just about to get real

Life gets so strange sometimes, the other day I was driving through the rain on my motorcycle and I felt so alive. 
So real and so present in this world. I was singing in the rain to myself, virtually screaming over the harsh blows of wind and felt the rain beating down hard on my hands and body. I was singing, crying and laughing, I just simply couldn't help myself from laughing out loud. People must have thought I was some kind of crazy person, but I didn't mind. Who cares if I'm shouting and laughing and singing in the rain on a dark stormy Thursday evening? That's right nobody, well at least I don't. 
It made me feel good so I didn't see any wrong in screaming and shouting my head off, just because I felt like it. 
Ever had that beautiful feeling? The feeling that you could just scream and shout and cry and laugh until you were tired of it all and went to bed. Lovely feeling when you lay down completely empty of any feeling. 
Personally, I need to do this quite often. More often than that should be needed actually... 
It's just that I have this Thing, this Thing to not show my feelings to make (or keep) others happy. I often catch myself on turning my own feelings into something else. 
But than, sometimes I overload and than everything has to come out and so it does. In very different ways I might ad. 
I guess those moments make me feel so alive because that is the moment when I just AM alive and really me. Not me in disguise to do good for somebody else, which I always tend to do. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a pushover, I'll always say what and how I think about things but just not when it's about peoples feelings or any feelings in general actually. 

Maybe I'll be able to start over somehow in Australia, I hope so ... 
In any case I hope to find myself for a bit far far away from anyone and anything I know, I believe I can because all the troubles that seem to keep cropping up here which make me pretend my feelings won't be there, or less at the least. Life will get better, I promised myself.
My great down under adventure is getting pretty real at the moment. My flight has been booked for the 29th of October. This huge backpack is sitting ready in my room, ready to be filled with 7 months worth of my possessions, staring at me ready to leave. And I'm so ready to fill it up and leave. Wonderful, the thrills of travelling.

Lots of love,
xoxo Lizzie 

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